back to the source

i made this yesterday and am going to start using my blog more as my bulletin board of images, updates, and of course - stories. yay! i ♥ you guys.

share this or post it if you want to!


A Bit of History

I've decided to tell a story here about the history of my blog, the history of Lost Boys + Lovers. see, for a long time, I blogged over here, at sadieDeluxe. some of you know this, and some of you probably don't. sadieDeluxe started in Portland and evolved over time as i moved to California and started selling more vintage online. i loved it. i still love going back and reading it. it chronicles a long span of my life. i also sold vintage in my sadieDeluxe shop, and sold my handmade stuff under the name Lost Boys & Lovers in a separate Etsy shop.

my old cards

as stuff started selling more, having the two shops and two names didn't feel right - i wanted to consolidate into one name.  i was also feeling really inspired by lots of women who have successfully "branded" themselves online, and are now a one-woman shop/internet personality/business. i can do that! i thought. but i can't have two different names.

anyway, long story short, i decided to do an overhaul and re-brand my projects under Lost Boys + Lovers. this is when I launched my website, and switched all my vintage and handmade over to the Lost Boys + Lovers shop. This was in September last year, just over one year ago. the switch was great...unexpectedly, though, we decided to move shortly after that. which meant i had to go into moving mode, uprooting my office and studio, uprooting my life. to make things worse, i got very very sick in December during this move, which meant my energetic resources were not as they should have been, and so the winter consumed my very being. that winter was a pretty dark time for me, and i'm hoping to blog about it sometime, but not in this post. the main point is, I closed my shop for three months and was hardly online at all because there was too much to be moved, and no internets up in them hills where we lived. 

But! finally, at last, things began to grow once again and i was able to plant small seeds of love and intention into my business. this was late spring of this year. not that long ago, i guess. it was hard at first, to essentially start from scratch. why did i leave my old blog? i asked myself. what does branding even mean to me? but, determined to stay the course i chose, i worked and worked (and continue working) on Lost Boys + Lovers, trying to make it truly mine, something that looks like my heart. 

from a promo shoot for my first-ever LB+L event (photo by Erin Lizardo)

Now, in this month and in this point in time, i am finally starting to feel good about the blog and the name/branding adventure. i still miss sadieDeluxe. i think sadieDeluxe felt like me, and Lost Boys + Lovers feels more like a business, a separate thing. turns out i like being me better than i like being a brand name. so, like i said, the task at hand now is to fuse mySELF into my brand name. 

Lost Boys + Lovers - the name - came from my heart, so at least there is that. I know that this whole project and  "brand," etc., is something borne from my true self. and it continues to evolve. that is what i love about being a one-woman business. as i evolve, my business evolves with me...there are no rules that i have to stick to, and i don't have to let someone else limit me. 

pee stop in the Columbia Gorge during The Gold-Hearted Thief shoot

i think sometimes i have fear that i have to stay inside the Lost Boys + Lovers box in order to be Lost Boys + Lovers, but actually, it's my own box, so that doesn't mean anything.

above all, i want to thank any and all of you who have been with me on part or all of this journey. it really means a lot. blogging has connected me to a multitude of amazing, valuable women who i treasure in my life - both online and off. this long process of creative and personal growth has been delightful and challenging and i'm grateful to have this outlet to help me with it. 

anyone who knows me knows i will always be sadiedeluxe. that's so me.  but i can extend my reach and my capacity, as long as i am true to my heart.

 i hope some of this makes sense to all of you. i'm so glad we are here, together. what an amazing journey it is. 



Carly Waito

I blogged about Carly Waito a long time ago on my old blog, but I'm just revisiting her paintings and re-loving the amazing depth/simplicity. 

Amethyst Mountain, oil on panel, 2012

Smoky Quartz, oil on masonite, 2011

pyrite, oil on panel, 2011

we live by the sun, we feel by the moon

so true.


through the woods

Asher and i went to visit my mom this week, at Lake Tahoe. we were planning on going on monday, but big-time snow was in the forecast, so we jumped in the car sunday night to beat the storm - which we did! that meant we were safe and cozy at mom's house for the blizzard that did indeed arrive late that night. 

it is so beautiful there. 

we just got back yesterday, after taking the train from truckee to colfax (thanks to Amber for the idea!). hope you all are cozy, wherever you are.



the days go swiftly by, my heart rides gratefully on the winds of change. though the rains have not yet come (soon, they say, soon), i feel the energy of water getting closer, her gracious fluidity smoothing the relentless edges of her brother, fire. when it rains, the land on which i live turns blood red and water flows down the hillsides in countless veins.

our grassy lawn is starting to come back to life. where there once was only brown and red (in the lawn and beyond), green is able to sustain itself once again. there is dew in the night. the evening breeze brings promises of moisture. water is so feminine by nature. after a summer filled with fiery energy i can feel my whole world straining in anticipation for water - physically and energetically. the first frog has begun its song. 

monday of this week, Asher turned 8. EIGHT!!! I am proud of both of us for coming so far. it seems like just yesterday i was staring in shock at my tiny newborn being, wondering how i would ever make it through the first three months. i was hoping to post his birth story on the blog the other day, but it will have to wait until next week. 

happy weekend my beloved friends! here are a few recent photos that make me happy.

earring photoshoot for sanfranblissco
new earrings from Kyra at Weave Gold
me, Claire and Asher hanging out, taking pics (earrings by Claire Fong); photo by Melanie MacTavish
boots again
okay, not recent - this was when he was 2. but i just found it and it is soooo cute!!


sesame seed harvest

 this year i grew, among other things, afghani sesame seeds - which i had never grown before. i wish i had taken photos of them in full bloom; they grow into tall stalks with white flowers that bumblebees LOVE. seriously. many a bumblebee would be completely passed out inside the flowers at sundown, too tired or cold to make it back home.

after the flowers fall off, seed pods begin to form, and after a few weeks (or maybe a couple months), some of the pods dry out and crack open, revealing columns of sesame seeds in their depths. once the pods began to dry out on the stalk, i took this as my cue to harvest - even though many pods were still not dry yet. 

to harvest them, i cut the stalks down at the base and loaded them upside down into paper grocery bags. i used a few bags so that the stalks weren't crowded, this way they could dry out with ease. over the next few days, most of the pods dried and burst open, spilling the seeds into the bag. if you are lucky, you will sometimes hear this happen. once this process seemed mostly complete, i went through all the stalks and pods and helped out a few that hadn't split, or drew more seed out of pods that had split but were still holding onto a row of seeds. this was probably the most time consuming part. 

after that, i poured everything from the bottom of the bag through a strainer into a bowl. a few flower and plant pieces made it through the mesh, but for the most part the seeds separated well. that's it! it was exciting to grow something that i hadn't tried before, and i'm excited about my big bowl of raw seeds. i've eaten a few plain so far but haven't toasted any of them. 

have any of you grown sesame seeds? and if so, what do you do with them? toast them? grind them? store them? any favorite sesame recipes?? who knows the trick to getting the last few bits of plant parts out of the seeds?


illuminations of the heart

today i was reading through some poems by Pablo Neruda (the image below is a Neruda quote). serious, serious love poetry! oh the art that love (and the loss of love) inspires is truly a shimmering, magical thing. poetry in particular has always been one of my favorite arts. i love how a good poem is whittled down to almost nothing - a skeleton of what it could be, and in this nakedness, this almost-nothingness, lies its beauty.

i've thus been inspired to post another piece of mine, as promised from time to time in The Poetry Project. this one is from 2006 (!!). i was a mere babe - with a small baby. i was, in 2006... 24 years old. i had a 1.5 year-old child and i was doing the best i could to navigate the lusty, wild years with my sweet child in tow. it was an incredible tug-of-war at times, i sometimes felt deep grief watching my friends immerse themselves in the reckless abandon of that particular era, while i napped and nursed, nurtured a golden light growing in a tiny heart. simultaneously, i had found everything i was looking for (a huge gift in a very small body) and so i felt a sense of peace and direction that so many others lacked.

when i look back, i see that i wasn't missing out as much as i thought, necessarily. and truthfully, i worked hard to build a life that was supported, loving, free and joyous - and for the most part, it was. though my own lusty and wild times had to be measured and planned, i still had them. love and heartbreak was plentiful, all during the era of one-handed-living (you know, the time when you learn to cook, clean and work one-handed because you're holding your baby all the time?).

the prose poem below was written, of course, at a moment of pure heartbreak. i look back on this particular hearbreak as one of the most glorious and deeply-felt lessons in my life. the subject is now one of my dearest friends - falling in love enabled us to root firmly in each other's hearts, ensuring our connection far into our various futures. 



june 7, 2006, 12:49 am

inspiration vanishes. finally, at long last you have seceded from our union. hard as I tried not to, I have begun to forget you. moments of memory weaken, dissipate, disappear. (do you remember the time we hid, pressed together, behind the door?

and now you are leaving. really leaving. not just leaving me, but leaving us. leaving on a bad note. I listen to you talk and I hear words, barely… mostly static. frenetic energy courses through your veins, through wires into my telephone. I long to look at you and feel the jagged edges of your being so that I might know what it is. but now, you hide.

so I move on to other men. again. a new boy, filling your void (why do I say that? have you left a void in me?) I’m grateful for the gratitude he gives, the kisses/the company/the calls. I still think of you, but in a more distant way. The back of my head, the corner of my eye. I don’t remember what you smell like. 

I remember the look in your eyes the morning after we slept together. I knew that with that goodbye, you had begun to leave for good.

hot anger simmers with true love. desperation still. Reaching and reaching and reaching, blindfolded, and in the wrong direction. 


You can read more about my Poetry Project here. I have some recent poems that i will post soon. gentle feedback is always welcome and appreciated...and how about you guys? does anyone want to submit their own work? email me if you are interested sometime...